If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
You Might Also Like
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER