I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
listen closely
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I have never related to anyone more.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*puts my mental health in rice
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.