I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic