Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
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5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Oh hi lol
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
why would tinder want me to say this
Sharon I have some bad news
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*