*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Awwwww shit.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sticker placement is key.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*