Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
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On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
This is a true ally.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”