It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean


*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message



Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl


Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.


just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real


People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides


BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?