It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*