It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Me in tagged photos
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
There’s only one good girl here!
What’s the opposite of irony?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
my professor scared me for a second