Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it