@Darlainky You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
@bigpoppadrunk Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
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@Darlainky 
@online_shawn Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
@spaceboyriley Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
@Robert_Beau Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
@EdgarPoop1 I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
@badbanana Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
@Tharin_P “Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
@DirtMcTurd [First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
@kelkulus Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
@JasonLastname The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.