@bigpoppadrunk

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

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@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

@online_shawn

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

@spaceboyriley

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

@Robert_Beau

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

@EdgarPoop1

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

@badbanana

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

@Tharin_P

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

@DirtMcTurd

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

@kelkulus

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

@JasonLastname

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.