Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
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When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I hate my earbuds.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Kids: Stay in school.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.