Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.


Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference


Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called


Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow


I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.


Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.


“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”


[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”


Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.


The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.