dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
🤣🤣🤣
i really liked this one
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
rip to my favourite tweet
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning