The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“What movie?” 🤔
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Meeeee too!
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.