Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.