Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.