Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
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I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
*jazz hands*
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
me working on my assignments ^-^
Simple enough.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Meanwhile in Canada…