3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
You Might Also Like
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Sir!!
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.