Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
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even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.