Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My blood type is b hungry.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
some cats are just doing for fun!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”