I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
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ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee