When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
liiiiiiiiike
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard