Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
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“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*