ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Oh yeah that’s it
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Awesome parenting 😂
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
#math
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way