me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap