Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
#FunnyLife Insects
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.