Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.