therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You Might Also Like
No selfies while hijacking a train.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
scared to check what name she chose