My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?