I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Real House Wines.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.