Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
You Might Also Like
Twitter fine art
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
This is true.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.