My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.