[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.