We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I feel seen.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.