Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.