Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths