Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Chicken bread
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Jesus Christ lmao
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”