Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
the battle rages on
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
not to brag, but mine was free
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing