Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies