When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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