Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.