My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway