Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
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*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Lmao the reply
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”