intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
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If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
what it’s like dating me:
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.