Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Current mood: Potato
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”