blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come