I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Cheer up.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that