writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
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95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
They got Raph!
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”