When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
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Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35