@TheCiscoKidder

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

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@mydmac

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

@StumblerTop

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@SaraESpivey

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@SonOfCha

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

@Lisa_Laughs_

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.