You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
he was correct
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
bartender: get this catatonic