INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”