I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.