interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.