My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold